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exercise 1 - Fat Fantasy

* This is part one of an exercise is designed to help you understand how you use your body to express your different emotional states . . .

Please make yourself comfortable, close your eyes and relax . . . imagine that you are at a party . . . Imagine the type of party it is . . . It might be a dancing party, a talking party, a small intimate party . . . how you are feeling? . . What are you wearing? . . . How do you feel in these clothes? . . . Try and feel yourself in your body . . . Now notice your behaviour at this party. Are you an observer? . . . Are you actively mixing with other people; do you feel withdrawn? . . . As you observe yourself at this party; I’d like you to imagine that you are getting fatter . . . You are now quite large . . . How do you feel at this size? . .You may have both negative and positive feelings about being this size . . . What are you wearing and how do you feel about your clothes? . . . how are you interacting with the other people there? . . . Are you on your own or are you talking, dancing, eating with others? . . . Do you feel comfortable or would you like to leave? . . . Can you initiate contact or do you feel you must wait until you are sought out? . . . Now I’d like you to imagine your fat is communicating with the people at the party . . . It is saying something that I’d like you to put into words . . . What is your fat saying to others? . . Is there any way in which you feel it helps you to be this size in this situation? . . . When you are ready, turn to the questions below.

1. What positive aspects of fatness emerged that you hadn’t realised you felt?

2. What emerged about aspects of your personality that you express through your fat?

3. How might you express that part of you if you were your ideal size?

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Reader Comments (18)

1. I felt relieved that I wasn't part of the competition that all the other skinny girls were playing. Being fat meant they didn't see me as a threat and I didn't feel like I had to compete against them, my fatness had excused me from the competition. I also felt protected by my fat, it made me less vulnerable and was something to hide in, it became the reason for all of my failings, it protected me from the truth of my failings. More to do with my fear of losing - if I am not in the competition then I can not lose.
2.My personality is naturally quite competitive, while I also loathe the competitiveness that exits between females, so I express this by using my fat to remove me from the competition pool. Also my dislike of women's magazines and strict diets means my fat becomes a visual protest against the pressure for women to be thin (a reaction against the anorexia I fell into as a teen)
3. If I were my ideal size I could use all of the energy I put into finding food and binging into pro-active protests against media pressure for women to be thin, instead of taking it out on myself and then wasting time and energy worrying about what I have just done. I am not sure how I would express or stifle my competitive nature any other way. I am scared to be thin though because I think too many feelings would come to the surface and I would have no excuses anymore.
March 23, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterCatharine
1. Because i was fat i relied more on my personality to interact with people and was making lots of jokes. Felt quite protected, because if people didn't like me I could blame my fat. Accepted i was the fattest girl in the room and didnt worry about men hitting on me or rejecting me. If i were skinny and someone didnt try to pick me up i would feel rejected and low by the end of the night, but being fat I've already ruled that out as a possibility and am just focusing on having fun.

2.For some reason i need protection. I am afraid of being rejected for the person I am. With being fat can have an excuse or something to blame for being rejected. In this way fat allows me to act myself. If i were skinny and acted myself and people rejected me... what would i have to blame... my personality. Being fat i feel protected, tough and have a you can't touch me attitude. Also i feel like an indivdual who's not conforming.

3. Maybe if i were my ideal size, i could express my need to not conform through wearing individual clothing. Maybe i could accept not everyone is going to like me and that's ok. Maybe if i dont feel like being a sex object i could wear not sexy clothing.
March 23, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterMiriam
1.The larger I became in the fantasy, I began to feel utterly solid and unshakable. I was a quiet force. I went way beyond having any need to impress anyone at all.

2. I definitely express defiance through my fat. No doubt about that! What my fat also expresses is that I really only want to be with people who truly want to be with me. I use my fat to screen people. This is a test.

3. Ideal size Tricia. As for the defiance...I could better use it being an activist for this very cause. The part about feeling solid and unshakable. I feel so vulnerable and shakey when I get smaller. I'm also quite short which compounds those feelings. Hmmm... I'm trying to think of ways I can build on feeling solid. Focusing on my body sensations is helpful. Just stopping when I feel myself fragile and taking as much time as I need to settle myself. I also think some form of movement that involves stomping around....Yeah, stomping around feels right. Actually, saying NO is a great way to stomp. Setting boundaries makes me feel more solid.
March 26, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterTricia
I hope doing these exercises is useful and lets you think about how to incorporate the ideas within yourselves rather than have to have the ideas of fat and thin do it! Being thin or ideal size doesn't mean you have to be overwhelemd with feeling Catherine. You turn them off or regulate them as it is. It isn't your 'fat' that does it. So you could continue to do that and manage them bit by bit..
March 28, 2006 | Unregistered Commentersusie orbach
I feel like I will have to initiate contact to ever hope of talking to someone of the opposite sex. Because obviously no woman would ever be interested in talking to me just because of my body or anything I have in a material sense. Which is great if you just want to be invisible and of no consequence. Great personalities are a fruit on the vine that roots from loneliness.

I thought women wanted men to be truthful, not desperate.

Not ever having female companionship and communion frees me up to spend my time reflecting on how time can be spent in pursuit of helping other people who don't give a crap whether I live or die.

Can you possibly be loved by any one else but your self if you are invisible? Sounds good on paper to be so noble to lead a solitary life of never being known. But to human beings who are by nature and nurture prone to crave belongingness and family it sounds like alienating yourself by a "protective" wall of fat seems to be a bad deal, and sadistic to someone who craves a meaningful, fulfilling relationship.
Really, how many woman put in their personals, looking for a guy with a quite few extra pounds?
December 28, 2006 | Unregistered CommenterJoseph
I understand Joseph's pain and frustration. I feel the same way in this particular party visualisation. Since the party is kink related, I am naked hovering in the kitchen alone, listening to others having fun...but I am essentially invisible feeling inadequate-- unable to handle the intricate bondage that I crave. Isn't that strange? Naked in and of itself represents a sort of openness one would think. And yet, for me it represents comfort since finding any form of clothing that fits well is harder than being around people naked. Of course, if I were in the other room, I'd be bouncing around...the positive energy does that to me. I can and do bounce when I am happy...but it has been a long time since I've been to a party. I spend my time with my boyfriend who has somehow accepted the rapid weight gain and still adores me.
Maybe what my fat says to me is I need to be noticed instead of remaining silent and invisible, that I need to feel nurtured--that's certainly the case with my relationship with food.
February 8, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterLaurie
1. What positive aspects of fatness emerged that you hadn’t realised you felt?

I felt freer and was dancing wildly without a care while in "fat mode," but stopped dancing while in "thin mode." I suppose on some level I associate more weight with "letting loose."

2. What emerged about aspects of your personality that you express through your fat?

I'm not sure how deeply to interpret this. I feel comfortable dancing and "letting loose" around friends regardless of my size. Perhaps I associate being larger with a carefree attitude because I enjoy eating and I assume being larger goes hand in hand with eating without a care?

3. How might you express that part of you if you were your ideal size?

That's interesting. This whole exercise is revealing a lot to me. I suppose eating whatever I desire is a form of personal freedom for me. I suppose at my "ideal size" I'd need to find some other method of experiencing personal freedom. A healthier alternative would be what I was doing in the visualization--dancing. Other "freeing" activities I can think of are creating in the form of writing or other arts.
February 17, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterJessica
1. The only positive aspect I felt during the party was not being in "the competition". If my body is so far gone, no one expects more of me.

Aside from that, it was miserable.

2. It's a pocket obsession. Exscuse. "I can't do this today because I'm fat", "I can't talk to him because I'm fat", "I can't go swimming because I'm fat", "Can't visit them because I'm fat", "If I weren't fat, they would respect me more", "If I wasn't fat, I would be more productive".

Then all my energy is focused on "not being fat" and not dealing with my social anxiety, overcomming bad habits, or poor study skills.

3. In my ideal form, I was dancing and touching and singing with people. I felt very free and open. I felt like I had chiseled my true self out of pounds of packing paper. People finally saw my true self. I was afraid to show myself or have an opinion. I was dressed simply and economically, as I felt more naturally beautiful. When fat, I felt I had to make a huge fuss over camoflauging unrevealing garments, and I was wearing makeup. When my ideal form, I wore no makeup I was natural and free.

March 5, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterEpity
1.I was originally feeling rather awkward, I was with my friends and laughing too much (at a dance) and then I was getting fatter and fatter, drifting away from them, eating, in the restroom. My dress got uglier and finally I was at home on the computer, I felt happy because I wasn't awkward at the dance anymore.
2.I really didn't want to be at the dance--I'm not very confident and I'm a loner sort of, I need to get over that and fat didn't help, it just made me not have to deal with my issues.
3.With my ideal body image I didn't need to worry about being bad at dancing, I was slowdancing with lots of cute guys taller than I was, even though I'm really tall. I was telling jokes and drinking a little! I'm thin enough but when I was toned and strong I felt more confident and my confidence issues were gone.
May 11, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterThis Girl
It is interesting how many people use fat as an excuse - an excuse not to take part in things and therefore making it impossible to 'fail' at things - fat as a protective layer - fat as meaning no one has expectations of you - fat as removing you from the 'competition' - making you invisible. It is something to discuss here, and how these feelings can be replaced so you feel empowered and in control at any weight....
May 13, 2007 | Registered Commenteranybody
1. What positive aspects of fatness emerged? I find it is that men are not as attached to me with extra weight on. This is a good place to be for me. I am comfortable and dress in black shorts and black top. I am happy with the weight as an extra, extra. I enjoy beer in the pint and chocolate cake. I am ok

2. My fat is created by enjoyment. Eating and drinking what I want to. What is wrong with having food to eat, I am thankful.

3. My folks have a picture of me on the wall at my perfect weight. I am young and very beautiful. I am smiling too. Yet, I was not happy then. I was very sad and abused by men and women were jealous of me. I was only looked at as a sex object. I am happier now, older and with weight, then I was then. (My sex is much better too!)

May 14, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterHolly Cornell
1. What positive aspects of fatness emerged that you hadn’t realised you felt?
This is one that I really have to think about. Since I've been overweight for a good majority of my life, I can honestly say that there are no positive aspects to being this size. Quite frankly, at this size, I don't exist. I'm nothing, and I'm not even classified as human. Being that I've been this size for so long, I'm used to not feeling that way.
Like someone else had mentioned, I like the fact that I don't have to participate in the competition that all the skinny girls seem to be so involved in.
I do feel like my fat is some sort of screening device, which allows me to keep the people who are genuine, and to remove the people who weren't so genuine in the first place.
I'm more allowed to be me in my fat, but not allowed to be with others. so I'm usually alone. I am the circus freak amongst the normal people.

2. What emerged about aspects of your personality that you express through your fat?

That I'm larger than life, that I'm a human being worthy of love, and that I want to be filled with it.

3. How might you express that part of you if you were your ideal size?

I don't think there would be any real expression at all.
I don't think that any of my positive aspects would be expressed as much if I were not fat. I think I would be vain, self-centered, and caught in competition with other girls. The only thing that would matter to me would be the superficial, and nothing else. Genuine creativity and knowledge would not be the focal point in my life.
I would be happy that I would be getting validation for being perfect on the outside, but on the inside I wouldn't feel as great because I would be purging myself to keep my perfect figure. There would be no love there, just some shriveled, deformed soul lost in a hole of an empty body that has no knowledge of real love.
July 26, 2007 | Unregistered CommenterBoogie
1) I was surprised that when I imagined my body as being really fat I also felt it would be more appealing to touch the skin - that it would be warm and smooth. I liked my imaginary large breasts. I also imaginatively link being fat to having really long glossy hair! I felt warm. I was walking with a calm gliding step and felt like people would surely be aware of my entrance because I had a larger boundary to me - I felt automatically more visible.
2) My enjoyment of touch was expressed through my fat and the pleasure I took in imagining someone stroking or holding me and me having a larger territory of enjoyment. A weird metaphor for this would be I felt like a farmer who suddenly had more land to harvest the pleasure of touch from... BUT!!! I am currently restricting my food a lot in an attempt to lose weight (I have a great therapist thankfully so don't worry) maybe by attempting to manage my fat I'm attempting to manage my need for touch? Is this to do with my personality though?
3) How might I express my love of touch at my ideal size? I don't think I could tell anyone at a party that I love to be touched because I'd be afraid they would immediately view this in sexual terms and either be repelled by me or try to take advantage of me. All I can think of is by moisturing my skin so that it is in good condition and by wearing fabric that is pleasurable to touch..? I do have a silk dress that I love...and I often stroke it just for the feeling, and I am also currently very into moisturing.
April 21, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterTabitha
1.That my fat was protective. It kept people away from me and this prevents hurt.
2.Fear,sadness,isolation,disappointment,dread,anxiety,discomfort,short of breath,difficult to move,digust,anger
3.If I were my ideal size I could move more freely and run away from the party. I would have the choice to stay and be happy as well because I would not be isolated in a corner alone and afraid.
October 19, 2009 | Unregistered CommenterRain
1. What positive aspects of fatness emerged that you hadn’t realised you felt?

I didn't have any. I felt like I wanted to disappear.

2. What emerged about aspects of your personality that you express through your fat?

I was funnier. I made more jokes, I think.

3. How might you express that part of you if you were your ideal size?

I would be more confident, so I would not have a problem saying what I wanted to say.
January 9, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterAlysha
1. The larger I got, the less I mingled. I wanted to dissapear from the party, or just become invisible.

2. I'm often quite shy, so maybe I was using the fat as a way to prevent myself from getting into social situations that might mae me uncomfortable.

3. Not force myself to mingle if I wasn't comfortable, maybe stop going to parties where I don't know many people..
July 7, 2010 | Unregistered Commenteramanda
1) I felt like my female friends treated me with trust and love, I'm like everyone's big sister. Unfortunately, they treat me that way because they find me utterly nonthreatening. My weight means I'm not a rival.
2) Because of my weight I'm loud and tell a lot of jokes, I want to be perceived as the smart, witty person that I am, I don't want people to make other negative assumptions about me just because I'm curvy; but I also feel a very heightened sense of self consciousness, I feel like an actor in a play, not like a real participant.
3) If I were my ideal size I would be quieter, more contemplative. Not so aggressive, not in a rush to get a punchline in all the time. I might be a better listener and charismatic without being over-the-top.
March 23, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterAlex
lol this is ghey.
April 13, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

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